Try this quiz to figure out your attachment style in a relationship.
Give yourself 1 point if the statement represents how you are in a relationship.
1. Are you constantly afraid of losing your partner’s love or attention?
2. Does your need to be very close to your partner sometimes scare them away?
3. Do you worry that your partner doesn’t really love you?
4. Do you worry that you’re not as good as other people?
5. Do you get mad when you don’t get the support or affection that you need from your partner?
6. Do you worry about your relationship a lot?
*Remember your total from questions 1-6*
7. Are you comfortable showing your partner your true feelings?
8. Do you find it easy to depend on your partner?
9. Can you let your partner get close to you without being nervous?
10. Are you able to easily show your partner affection?
11. Does it help you to talk to your partner when you need support?
12. Do you tell your partner about almost anything?
*Remember your total from questions 7-12*
Total number of points from questions 1-6:
1-3 points: A
4-6 points: B
Total number of points from questions 7-12:
1-3 points: C
4-6 points: D
AC = Cat
BD = Koala
AD = Wolf
BC = Mouse
You tend to be fulfilled in your relationship. You feel secure and connected to your partner, while also maintaining your individuality. You can be with your partner while still being part of the pack or hunting on your own. Just like a wolf couple, you know that you and your partner can rely on each other when needed. You have open and honest communication and have no problems trusting or being loyal to your partner.
You are frequently looking for a partner to help complete you. Some may have called you “needy” or “clingy” in the past. You tend to hold on to your partner too tight for fear they may leave you, like a Koala hugging a tree. However, this ends up pushing them away. You’re also quick to interpret your partner’s actions as evidence to support your fears. For example, if you see your partner socializing with other people, you may think “they don’t need me to have fun, they’re going to leave me.” These behaviours may be caused by hurt you’ve experienced in the past. Know that not every person is going to hurt you. Try to recognize the thoughts in your head and evaluate if they are rational or not. Is there any evidence for these thoughts? For your relationship to grow, you need to open yourself up to trusting again. While this can be a scary thought, it will help your relationship blossom.
You tend to distance yourself from your partner emotionally. You live a more independent life, and may deny the importance of having a connection with people. Even in heated emotional situations, you have the ability to turn off your feelings and not react. While it is good to be independent, know that it is important to have a connection with other people. While a cat may be able to survive on its own, what fun is life without someone to share it with? Know that you can still keep your independence while being in a relationship, like a house cat and their owner. It can be scary to show vulnerability, but healthy connections with others can ultimately bring more fulfillment than being alone.
You are afraid of being too close and too distant from your partner which causes anxiety. Your relationship may tend to have many highs and lows. Because you can’t run away from your feelings, this can create emotional storms or cause your mood to be unpredictable. You want to get close to your partner but fear getting hurt at the same time, like the mouse wants a piece of cheese but fears getting hurt by the mouse trap. You fear being abandoned but struggle to be intimate which causes you to feel trapped when you’re too close or rejected when too distant. Not only do you have to heal from the pain in your past, but you have to learn to trust and be vulnerable again. Identify your fears and examine if they have any basis in your current relationship. Are your fears all in your head or is there evidence to support them? Focus on thinking before you act. When you feel hurt or rejected, think about why and evaluate what happened. Calm yourself by temporarily leaving the situation and taking a few deep breaths. When we are calm, we can better focus on the evidence of the situation, instead of just our emotions. If we act out on our emotions without taking time to think first, we could potentially damage the relationship. By evaluating your thoughts and emotions, and looking at the relationship for what it is (not what you fear it may become), you can begin to see yourself, your partner, and your relationship in a new light.
Written for you, by local therapists.
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