How To Deal When Your Partner’s Ex is a Psycho

By Seija Grant, MEd CP, RP

​Ok…kidding, not an actual psycho, but you know what I mean. We’re talking about someone who is extremely challenging to deal with, who knows which buttons to press, and always seems to get involved in your business somehow.

I know it’s tempting to engage with their baiting behaviour, to take out your anger and frustration at them, to fight back or lash out.  Let us help you by recommending some alternatives that will reduce the impact this person is having wreaking havoc on your life.
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Here are some tips that may be useful:

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• We can’t change other people, we can only impact our own actions.  I know this sounds frustrating, and we naturally want to try to change/alter or train others, but this is not a person you are going to be able to change. The best strategy will be to change how YOU deal with this person, not the other way around. If you were to get involved with this person by lashing out or letting them get to you, it could even cause a rift in your own relationship, which could be feeding right into their plans.

 

• Focus on your own loving relationship with your partner. Even though this person may be trying to hurt you, to involve you, to unveil your flaws, to get you to do something you can’t take back, just ignore them. Rather than focusing on their attacks or scheming, focus your time and energy on your own healthy relationship.  Modelling what a healthy relationship looks like would be a positive experience for anyone who is in contact with you and your partner, and the ex may eventually see that you are good together and change their tune (with any luck).

 

• Set some boundaries to protect yourself. Maybe you and your partner can work out some agreed boundaries that can help protect both of your sanity. Some examples may be: turning off the phone at night or on weekends, blocking the individual, removing them from social media, or avoiding certain places/times that you might expect to run into this person. If you have mutual friends with them, or children, perhaps trying to minimize the time you would see them or hear about them so this person does not have such a pervasive presence in your life.

 

• Try to embrace a stance of empathy instead of defensiveness. First off, defensiveness begets defensiveness. Try to think of any instance in your life when it didn’t. See what I mean? Although it may be hard to do so at first, it will free you of so many negative emotions and will help you to feel more relaxed. The person in question is acting this way for a reason, not just out of spite (even though it probably feels that way). They are hurt, they are suffering, and they don’t have the healthy coping skills or mechanisms in place to handle it, so they are taking it out on you.  Not to say that this kind of behavior is OK, but it might be able to give you some perspective on what’s going on behind the curtain. If you take this stance, you will likely be able to remain calmer when you do have to interact with them, and will be less likely to act out.

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Keeping your cool in the face of hostility and combativeness can be challenging, but I urge you to try these tips and see if they can help you gain some higher ground, perspective or tranquility in your life. If you need a little help accessing your zen, try downloading the app Calm *it’s free* and can teach you some basic meditation skills.