Vulnerability with Boundaries

By: Kristen Sohlman, MACP RP

​Why is vulnerability important?  Vulnerability allows us to share our feelings and emotions, our experiences, as well as our mistakes, to improve self-awareness and to practice accountability.

When used in an effective way, vulnerability helps us to make emotional connections with others.  There are no guarantees, by being vulnerable we risk being hurt, and we make a choice to take that risk and to do it anyways.  Vulnerability sometimes is uncomfortable, and that discomfort can be indication that we are not only being vulnerable, but we are working outside of our comfort zone, growing, or changing.

For some, being vulnerable through self-disclosure is easy, for others it is quite difficult, and yet for others one can flip flop back and forth between over sharing and being locked up tight.

How do we show our vulnerability, to openly share with others, while at the same time not oversharing?
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It is important to understand that vulnerability is not indiscriminate self-disclosure, oversharing, or purging (Brené Brown).  The basis of vulnerability requires boundaries, trust, mutuality, and openness.  Mutuality involves making a commitment to understand and being willing to meet the needs of both people in a relationship.  When we share outright without checking with the other person, this may be self-serving and not mutuality.  We might not be aware of the impact that our words have upon the other person.  Simply checking in with the other person before engaging in self-disclosure can be an important step in mutuality that builds trust and strengthens the relationship.  By openly talking to the other person about receiving the information that you would like to share gives them the power of choice. Vulnerability then is also about one’s ability to share their feelings and experiences with others who have earned a right to hear them and who have mutually agreed to receive this information, and to then perhaps reciprocate and openly share themselves.  

“Vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability.” Brené Brown

​Vulnerability without boundaries results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.  Sharing appropriately, with boundaries, with individuals with whom we have developed a relationship that can carry the weight of our story, results in mutual respectful vulnerability and can increase emotional connection, trust, and engagement (Brené Brown).  Boundaries help define what one is comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with, how you would like to be treated by others and how others would like to be treated by you.  How you invest in your relationships with boundaries is just as important as sharing your own story.