Learn to break the pursue-withdraw pattern and replace it with a cycle that’s supportive, loving, and nurturing. So, before we get into the nitty gritty of things, let’s start with the basics. What exactly is a “pursuer” and a “distancer” in a relationship? While we all go through periods of both behaviours, a less balanced relationship will have partners occupying these very different roles most of the time.
Essentially, the Pursuer is the one who feels they are consistently seeking quality time, attention, and affection from their partner. They are persistently trying to fix what they think is wrong and are anxious about the distance their partner has created. Do you often feel like you are the one constantly asking your partner to open up more? Do you find yourself frequently longing for more of their attention and never feeling fully satisfied? Chances are, you are the pursuer. On the other side is the Distancer. This is the person in the relationship who responds to the pursuer by constantly withdrawing and always wanting more space. They see themselves as private or not very “mushy gushy”. Often, we label this type as unavailable, withholding, or the “shut down” one in the relationship. Whether you are the pursuer or the distancer, it’s really not healthy. What this does to a relationship is it creates a neverending dance of wanting more and then pulling away, so continuously pursuing more and getting less. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D from Psychology Today explains; “Pursuing and distancing are normal ways that humans navigate relationships under stress, and one is not better or worse than the other. A problem occurs only when a pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes entrenched. When this happens, the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other.” So, what do we do about it? Here are a couple ways to break free of the toxic pursuer-distancer dynamic: The pursuer needs to stop the pursuit. You can’t control your partner’s behaviours, but you can make sure you are doing everything you can for the relationship. Sometimes that means giving space and having faith that your relationship is healthy. As a pursuer, you may feel the need to seek affection and emotional connection, but it's important to realize that your actions can cause the distancer to feel suffocated, frustrated, and in need of some alone time when their need for independence is not being met. Distancers need to make less distance in the relationship. This is a two-way street. Understanding your partner’s needs is an important job for the distancer. It’s time to have a “we” attitude. Making extra time and effort for your partner will help ease their anxiety and break this vicious cycle. Slow down and think. You and your partner can ask yourselves “Okay, what do I want here? What does my partner need? What do I need?” Being able to talk about this in a soft, gentle way can be very powerful. It can break the pursue-withdraw pattern and replace it with a cycle that’s supportive, loving, and nurturing. Be understanding of your partner’s needs. Understanding this common dance in relationships from both sides can help rebalance your relationship. We all bring our own pasts, emotions, attachment styles, anxieties, and insecurities to a relationship. However, if we can make the effort to understand our partner and their differences, we can develop happier and more loving relationships. |
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