Couples Who Fight Well

By: Kristen Sohlman, MACP,RP

​Often couples evaluate their relationship based upon how much they fight.  When they are not fighting, things must be going well and when they are fighting, things must NOT be going well within their relationship. It is a myth that healthy couples do not fight or do not fight often.

Sometimes not fighting can be an indication of avoidance, a lack of communication, stonewalling, or not having the emotional energy to address issues.  The fact is that healthy couples fight, and they know how to do this well!
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After the honeymoon phase of a relationship, this is where conflicts begin.  Sometimes couples have small fights, while at other times, there are bigger fights.  Research from the Gottman Institute has found that nearly 69% of conflicts within relationships are perpetual, meaning the couple is stuck in an unhealthy pattern or dance, and fighting has more to do with the relationship than what they are actually fighting about.  These fights are perpetual as they resurface and come back over and over again, sometimes resulting in increased frustration, anger, resentment, and hurt feelings.  Learning how to fight well helps to resolve perpetual issues and help couples learn knew and healthy patterns and dances within their relationship.

Here is what can help:

• Don’t let things build up and choose to talk to your partner about what is bothering you.
• If you are really upset, not just a little upset, choose to walk away, take care of yourself, and then come back to talking with your partner when you are less upset and can think and communicate more clearly.
• Try beginning the conversation gently without criticism, attacking your partner’s personality or character, insults, blame, eye rolling, or giving up and emotionally shutting down.
• Talk about your feelings, describe the situation from your perspective, share what you need from the situation, use “I” statements, and avoid using “you” or “but.”
• Address emotional hurt and pain within the relationship. 
• Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.

• Be appreciative and express gratitude.
• Accept your partner’s perspective, feelings, and experiences even when they are different from yours.
• Practice compromise. 
• Repair and make emotional bids within your relationship by saying things like: I hear you, I agree with you, I agree with some of what you are saying, you are convincing me, I never thought of it that way, your point of view makes sense, let’s agree that both of our views are valid and true, etc. 
• Take responsibility for your own actions, offer apologies and sweep your side of the street.
• Take breaks and spend time doing something that is soothing to you or is a healthy distraction.
• If you need help seek out support! Sometimes having an objective third party can keep you from going down that rabbit hole, to learn healthier ways to fight, and to have healthier emotional dances with your partner.  

Reference:
The Gottman Institute. (2020, November 24). The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/