How to Fight using Wise Mind Techniques

By: Kristen Sohlman, MACP,RP

​Can you distinguish a comment from criticism? Being able to distinguish between the two is important.  

A comment can contain information, is logical, and uses facts.  A comment can also use emotions to help make decisions, can tell you how you are really doing, and uses core psychological needs. Criticism, on the other hand, can be more judgmental, can be reactive, can include labels, name calling, or blame. Being able to navigate the two requires a wise mind. 

This is a balance of both rational and emotional mind. It involves intuitive thinking and helps you to live more mindfully. 
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In a healthy and thriving relationship, both individuals are able to talk effectively about the facts and about how they are feeling, can recognize what they need and want from the relationship, and can approach one another with respect, as well as mutual care and concern.  Each person is responsible for checking in with themselves in order to take stock, to consider what information is being shared, how they are feeling, and what they need to do in order to communicate their own needs and wants more effectively.  

“You want to connect with somebody, so you make a bid for that connection.  But because your bid begins in such a negative, blaming, or critical way, you get just the opposite of what you’re after: You drive the person away.” Dr. John Gottman​

How do you use your wise mind more effectively?

1. Slow down, take a step back and clearly evaluate the situation.
2. Focus on one thing at a time.  Try not to let other distractions get in your way.
3. Stop seeing things as black and white or their side versus my side, as there is often a lot of grey and multiple ways to look at things.
4. Recognize if you are being too rational or emotionally reactive. 
5. Try not to let past or future thinking get in the way.  Stay grounded in the present moment. Avoid judgment, don’t make assumptions, avoid assigning good or bad labels, and instead, be curious and ask more questions.
6. Complain, but don’t blame.
7. Describe what is happening. Put it into words. State the facts and share how this impacts how you feel.
8. Don’t let things linger! Making time to address something that is bothering you is important.  Make time to talk.
9. Be kind.
10. Express your gratitude.  

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."