How to Prevent Emotional Flooding from Drowning You & Your Relationship

By: Kristen Sohlman, MACP, RP

​Do you ever feel like you and are partner are repeating the same pattern over and over again? You or your partner says something that pushes buttons, one or both of you lose it, and then down the rabbit hole you go! The flooding of emotions during conflicts with a partner can be overwhelming and can lead to hurt feelings, regret, fear, and can even result in relationships ending. 

What is emotional flooding?
Emotional flooding occurs when you are so mentally and physically overwhelmed by your feelings that they trigger a physiological, or fight or flight, response. This inevitably makes it impossible to have a productive conversation with yourself or another person.

What are the signs of emotional flooding?

• Your heart rate increases and speeds up.
• You feel hot, your face is flushed, and you start to sweat.
• It is more difficult to breath as breathing becomes quick and shallow.
• Your muscles tighten, you might clench your fists or jaw, or notice tension in your neck, shoulders, or stomach.
• Your mouth is dry.
• Your body becomes flooded with adrenaline and your hands or body start to shake.  
• It becomes difficult to focus, think clearly, concentrate, or find the words to say what you want to say.
• You might notice tunnel vision and hearing where you can only focus or hear one thing and nothing else.
• You stop responding and start reacting.
• You might raise your voice, say things that you regret, or hurt your partner’s feelings.

What can you do about it?

1. Make a plan with your partner: Before it is needed, make a plan with your partner on how the two of you will handle emotional flooding.  Identify a key word that could be used in private or public to signal that you need a break.  
2. Hit the pause button. Use your key word and take a break.  Remember that when you or your partner are taking a break, they are not rejecting the other person, and by taking a break, they move towards their partner emotional as they can circle back to the conversation when they are in a more calm state.  
3. Take a break or a time out. Find a quiet place that you can go to unwind and cool off.  This could be going to a different room, stepping outside for fresh air, going for a walk, etc.  
4. Commit to engaging in self-care to self-soothe. Use the TIPP skill. 
   1. Temperature: Sometimes when we need to emotionally cool off it can be helpful to physically cool off.  Take off a layer of clothing, take a cool shower, step outside in the cool air, run your hands under cold water, or splash your face with cold water.
   2. Intense Exercise: Burn up built up adrenaline, cortisol, and energy by engaging in exercise that increases your heart rate for 1 or 2 minutes (i.e.: pushups, sit-ups, burpees, jumping jacks, or going up and down stairs). 
   3. Paced Breathing: Take a breath through your nose, pause, let go of your breath through your mouth, and repeat. Try to pace, elongate, or slow down your breathing as you go.
   4. Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Do a body scan. Start at your toes and work your way to your head.  Tense a group of muscles, hold for 1 or 2 minutes, release, and move onto the next group of muscles.  Alternate between tightening and relaxing your muscles.    
5. Turn your attention inward: Focus on your breathing. Talk gently to yourself.  Tell yourself that you will be ok and that this feeling will pass.  Consider how you are feeling physically and emotionally, as well as consider what you need in the moment to feel safe and calmer.  Consider even a small part of the conflict that you can take responsibility for.  
6. Take a longer break if needed: Sometimes a longer break is needed when it is just too difficult to pause, self-sooth, and bring it down a notch.  Make a plan to take a longer break. Make a plan with your partner to come back together at a later time to continue the discussion.

Want to learn more? At Kelly Mental Health, Couples Therapy is offered for partners who wish to strengthen, nurture, and address ongoing issues within their relationship. Our Therapists use The Gottman Method which is an approach to couples therapy that includes a thorough assessment of the couple relationship and integrates research-based interventions. Sessions focus on: ​Establishing boundaries, Improving communication, Sharing, Learning how to express thoughts and feelings constructively, and Invigorating the bond by establishing shared values and long-term goals. Book online at www.kellymentalhealth.com or call us today (807) 767-3888