Privacy or Secrets: How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

​In any relationship it is important to consider how open and transparent you may want to be within that relationship.  Sometimes there are expectations that I will be open with you if you are open with me, or if I am open with you, then you ought to be open with me, as if this is some kind of mutual exchange of goods.

But this is about the difference between one’s right to privacy versus being secretive in a relationship. So just how much openness and transparency is healthy within a relationship?

This answer is not any easy one and may depend on a few factors:
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• The relationship
• The individuals within the relationship
• The context of the relationship

Full disclosure or complete transparency, although intimate and genuine, may not always be the best policy. You know how they say that talking about your exes is a bad idea? Well, it certainly can be! Does your partner really benefit from knowing all the ins and outs of your bowel movements? Perhaps…let’s just keep that one to ourselves…

Recognizing that no one person has the right, or is entitled to know everything about you, is important. However, each person within the relationship is entitled to mutual respect and trust.  Similarly, keeping secrets may not always be the best policy. When you are intentionally keeping a secret in a relationship, it is important to ask yourself why.  How does this benefit you? your partner? or the relationship?

So, how do you decide?  It sometimes comes down to issues related to trust and mistrust.  Do I trust my partner enough to share this secret with them?  Do I think that my partner will judge me if I share this part of me?  Do I trust the relationship to get through this?  Do I trust that my partner has the ability to make good decisions and will decide what to share with me? Do I trust that my partner will share what they need to with me? 

It is important to remember that privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. 

Privacy respects a boundary, and in a relationship, this defines where you end, and your partner begins.  In any healthy relationship, there should be comfortable space between you and your partner, but not huge divides.  Putting trust in your partner means you are putting trust within the relationship to take a risk and cross this space to be open, or to maintain a boundary and keep the space just as it is. 
 
Remember that intimacy, closeness, and connection is still possible even with privacy and boundaries, and in some instances, may even enhance connections.

“The price of love does not have to be personal obliteration.” – Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

It is also important to consider the context of the relationship.  Considerations of safety are often important in determining what information you share, with whom you share this information, when to share this information, as well as how it will affect the other person or potential other people outside of the relationship.  If the information is not helpful or useful to the relationship or perhaps sharing would detrimentally impact the relationship or others, perhaps it is not worth sharing.  Privacy is a cultural concept that is predominant in Western culture.  As such, it is important to make cultural considerations particularly when considering that some cultures recognize different definitions of privacy. 

Consider the similarities and difference between having an open window with no window coverings, a window that has the ability to both open and close with window coverings that can be open or drawn, a window with a closed blind, a window with an open blind, a window with open shutters, a window with closed shutters, or a window with shutters and a lock.  No matter what window you have, privacy defines limits and boundaries of the self, and knowing your own limits and boundaries helps you to define yourself.  Having a good relationship with yourself can help you improve your relationships with others.

Ultimately, it is important to respect the transparency and privacy needs of both yourself, your partner, and all others in your life.