 When I used to hear “emotional manipulation,” I’d usually think of a five-letter word that I despise - abuse. Four years later – I now think of myself. It’s funny how things can change over time. Four years ago, I was the happiest person; I had a career, I had someone in my life who I thought cared for me, I had it all, or so I thought. Flash forward and life is looking a little different these days. After someone manipulates you and puts you through psychological torture, in my opinion, you are never the same again. How can you be? Your world is flipped upside down, your entire thought process has changed, you second guess yourself in most life situations, you have an extremely hard time trusting anyone, and if you’re like me, you suffer from crippling abandonment issues. Let’s talk basics for a second. Manipulation occurs “when a manipulative person seeks power over someone else and employs dishonest or exploitive strategies to gain it. An emotional manipulator looks to use, control, or even victimize someone else.”  This information isn’t just for us, the broken-hearted. Emotional manipulation can happen in all types of relationships including family, friends, and coworkers; and the scary thing is that most of us don’t even recognize when it’s happening. A manipulator may use your vulnerabilities against you, hit you with dramatic ultimatums in your most stressful times, and try to make you feel guilty about their problems that have nothing to do with you – basically, creating crisis after crisis and holding you responsible. Examples of manipulative behaviours:
This type of psychological torture happens more often than many of us would like to admit. Because malicious manipulation erodes trust, manipulation can have long lasting effects on those involved and can be a factor that influences symptoms of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, leading to issues with trust, inflated fears of abandonment, and the use of unhealthy coping mechanisms.  How I’ve learned to deal with manipulative people:
Disengage If someone is trying to get a particular emotional response from me, I choose not to give it to them. You have the ability not to give them that power, that power is yours and no one should be able to take that from you. When I myself run into tempting situations of engagement with these types of people, I always say to myself “When you fight with the village idiot, who becomes the village idiot?” and I walk away now. Confidence Sometimes, manipulation may include one person’s attempts to cause another person to doubt their abilities, intuition, or even reality. If this happens, it may help to stick to your story; however, if this happens often in a close relationship, it could be time to leave. Use your voice Easier said than done for some, but if you can, call out the manipulative behavior as it’s happening, address it in the moment. Keeping the focus on how the other person’s actions are affecting you rather than starting with an accusatory statement (“I feel this” rather than “you did this”) may also help you reach a resolution while emphasizing that their manipulative tactics won’t work on you. Stay on-topic Listen up, this is the most difficult piece of advice I can offer someone who personally went through this. They will try to turn this around on you and get you to start second guessing yourself. In most cases and my experience, you are not wrong. You did nothing wrong. When you point out a behavior that makes you feel manipulated, the other person may try to minimize the situation or twist your words or the situation by bringing up other issues as a distraction. Remember your main point and stick to that. They will throw multiple useless subjects at you and you need to keep to the topic at hand. So, here we are. If at any time as you read this, you had a flash of a moment in your life where you’re now thinking to yourself “this is happening to me,” I suggest you contact a therapist to discuss further. Holding onto this pain is a lot for one person to handle, and there are many resources out there that may be able to assist you. Four years later, I am more aware of who I am as a person now. I recognize my emotions, I validate them, and something I never did before, I feel them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a work in progress but I’ve learnt a lot about myself. After talking to my therapist, I now know that I was emotionally abused for years which led me to suppress my emotions. You can get through this, we are survivors. I have my good days, and trust me, I have my bad days but I know that better days are coming. |
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