The Un-Perfect Body

By: Kelly Halonen, MSW, RSW

​Like many other women out there, I have a love-hate relationship with my body. Sometimes I love it, but the majority of the time there is something I want to change about it. Even though we logically know that the expectations society puts on us are unrealistic, we still feel the need to try and live up to them. 

When I was 8 years old, I had to have exploratory stomach surgery. My appendix was trying to burst, but my body was trying to heal itself. This led to a lot of confusion, and eventually this surgery. Because I could not be active after this, I gained weight. That’s when the bullying started. Being told I was fat made me worthless. I was shunned by my peers and my friends. I was made to feel like I did not matter because I was fat. This is when the suicidal thoughts started.

At 8 years old, I was told I was fat and not good enough, so I debated ending my life.

​Throughout my life, the fat comments continued. I believed them and internalized the thought that if I was fat, nobody would love me. Looking back on old pictures, I was anything but fat. I remember trying to buy certain clothes that would hide my stomach. Trying to pose a certain way in pictures that would make me look skinny. Whenever I was feeling down, the thought that I not good enough because I was fat would always come into my mind.
 
As I aged, my body changed. My weight went up and other problem areas appeared. Look at my arms, they’re too jiggly. My thighs rub together too much. And my stomach was still not flat enough.
 
I went through waves of trying to eat healthily and exercise. Then fall would come around, my joints would ache, my knees would act up, and this would make exercising nearly impossible. So then the weight would come back. It was a vicious cycle.
 
This year, I was determined to lose weight. I was getting married, so I needed my “perfect body.” Since January, I worked out 5 days a week, trying to eat healthy foods, although that didn’t always go as planned. I lost weight until I hit a plateau. I tried and tried to get through it, and eventually, I did. But my body still wasn’t perfect. My stomach wasn’t near as flat as I wanted it to be. My arms were not as toned. It felt like an impossible task.
 
On my wedding day, I put on my dress, and I didn’t care about the rest. I tried as hard as I could for the “perfect body.” I could’ve done things differently, but I didn’t. This is the body I have. And nothing was going to change it that day. I was actually able to go through my wedding and just focus on my now husband and being happy.
 
As I look through the wedding pictures, I do see things about my body that I want to change. Tone my arms, flatter stomach, etc. But I looked happy. And that happiness radiated throughout all of the pictures. That is what made me look good. The fact that I was happy.

I’m the only one focusing on my arms. I’m the only one focusing on my stomach. My husband loves the way I look. My family and friends love who I am. My clients don’t care what I look like.
 
I am the one putting these expectations on myself. I am the one choosing to make myself try and live up to these standards. Will I continue? Probably. I’m always going to want to be skinnier. But I have to be grateful for the body I have. This body has helped me survive the world. My arms let me hug those I love. My thighs stop my phone from falling into the toilet. I struggle with being grateful for my stomach. But my stomach has been through a lot. It went through exploratory stomach surgery. It went throughout its life with me hating it. And it’s still there. Digesting the foods I love. One day, growing bigger to help carry my future child.
 
I will always have a love-hate relationship with my body. But now I have to try to be grateful for what I have. I know I won’t live up to the expectations society or I want. I know I will keep trying. But I vow to not let it ruin or control me. If I fail or gain weight, that is just a part of life. If I lose weight, that is just another part of life. My body will forever be up and down. I have to accept that. I do not have the perfect body. Nobody does. But I do have a body that lets me live and be myself. I do have a body that I can still love. And that is what matters. ​