To Find Our Joy, We Need to Choose Vulnerability.

By: ​Laura Groulx, MSW, RSW

​I talk to a lot of people. Like really talk. Typically, in my first meeting with a new client, I’ll ask what their goals are for counselling. As in, what is it that they are looking to change about themselves, or what can I support them through.

​An answer I often encounter is this: I want to be happy. This is a big goal. What does this even mean?? 

Often a new client is presenting with some form of emotional suffering that they don’t want to feel anymore. They want to feel the opposite. They want to feel happy. However, what tends to happen when we are trying to force ourselves to be happy, is that the focus is on eliminating the suffering, and reintroducing the joy gets put on the back-burner. How can we be happy if there’s no joy?

Essentially, we are trying to make ourselves happy by focusing on our suffering.

In fairness, time in counselling certainly needs to be spent exploring how to manage the suffering. Especially at first. When I say suffering, I mean managing the symptoms of the presenting problem, such as stress, anxiety, or depression. To work through this, we have to build our confidence in our ability to be resilient against the suffering.
Once someone is feeling more confident in their ability to manage their suffering, where does that leave them? I’m calling this Ground Level. They’ve climbed out of the ocean and can breathe again, but still need to climb that hillside. In other words, there may be less suffering, but the joy is still missing. 

Sometimes this is where clients get stuck. It can be frustrating knowing that time, effort, and work has been put into managing the symptoms, and so much progress has been made, yet the goal of feeling happy still feels so far away. At this point, we need to step back and look at the bigger picture.

At Ground Level there is less emotional suffering. Less of a battle with symptoms. But also, there is not necessarily any joy. Sometimes when this is realized, it’s like a whole new wave of anxiety hits. In fact, it might feel like a step backwards. Like falling back into the ocean. This new anxiety can be summed up in one word: vulnerability.

To reintroduce the joy, we have to learn once again to be vulnerable. 

Now, take a BIG breath.

There’s no such thing as personal growth, human connection, or even excitement, without some level of vulnerability. We need to step up from Ground Level. As in, stand up and walk through that barren pasture on the way up the hillside. Intentionally. It’s planning a date with a friend, making that phone call, joining that class, starting to exercise, going to a movie, trying a new hobby, getting a pet. It’s doing what makes you, you. It’s accepting the risks of rejection – being vulnerable.

Now, managing suffering while reintroducing the joy is not a linear process. Along the way, what’s encountered is waves and sand and rocks and puddles. Healing is not black and white, nor is the process. There will be times we trip on that rock and fall back down the hillside. Maybe back to Ground Level, maybe back into the ocean. But having started to climb before, by having practiced stepping into vulnerability, we’re now equipped with the muscle memory of knowing what needs to be done.  

To be clear. This is NOT an easy process. It’s one that takes time, work, patience, self-compassion, and gratitude. So, in order to work towards that goal of being happy, pack up your flippers, grab your sunscreen, bring a snack, and don’t forget your hikers. Sure, there’s landscape to cover ahead, but find peace in knowing that the landscape’s now in view.