When a Conversation Becomes Too Heated

By: Kelly Halonen, MSW, RSW

We all have had that conversation with a friend, partner, or family member, that gets escalated before we know it. Often this can lead to an exchange of words spewed out of anger that people can regret. So, what can you do to stop it before it reaches this point? I’m going to share with you a few tips for keeping anger from taking over the conversation.

1. Know your Limits. Know when you feel yourself becoming angry or defensive. Do your palms get sweaty? Does your heart race? Do you feel yourself tensing up? What goes on inside and outside of your body. This is important to know because you know at what point you then become flooded. This is when your emotion takes over and any chance of a productive conversation is greatly limited. When you become flooded you can lash out or shut down. 
 
2. Take a Time-Out. If emotions are running high, and one or both people are becoming flooded, it is important to take a time-out. This should be at least 20 minutes. During this time you are not thinking about the conversation/fight. This will only keep you flooded. You are distracting yourself. It is important to remember to go back and finish the conversation after the time-out so that it is not left unfinished and becomes something for you to worry about later.
 
3. Self-Soothe. When you are flooded, the best thing you can do is to soothe yourself. There are multiple ways you can do this such as taking some deep breaths, going for a walk outside, distracting yourself, scanning your body and releasing any tension, using your five senses to relax (smelling nice candles, petting a dog, listening to calming music), etc. The point of self-soothing is for your heart rate to get back to normal so that you can listen and talk without emotion clouding the way.
 
4. Ground Rules. Whether you discuss this before (preferably), or as it comes up, there are rules of communication that can be useful to help conversations from getting too heated. These rules can be, no degrading language, no yelling, no interrupting each other, making sure everyone gets a chance to speak and be heard, and knowing that you may have to compromise. 
 
5. Use “I” Statements. These are a way that you can help the other person from getting defensive or flooded. By using I statements such as “I feel” or “I need,” this can show the other person that you are not attacking them, but instead stating what you feel or need. This makes people less defensive and more open to a conversation. ​