Coping with Grief

By Laura Groulx, BEd, MSW, RSW

​Grief does not come with a manual. It is a raw, powerful, and all-consuming emotion and experience.

When we lose somebody significant in our lives, we will always feel that loss, because their significance never goes away. We never get over it. However, taking it day by day, we can slowly start to heal from the shock and trauma of the initial loss. Additionally, grief can result from more than just death.
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We grieve when someone dies. We grieve when a pet passes away. We grieve when a relationship ends. We grieve when we lose our jobs. We grieve when we move. We grieve when our health declines. Essentially, we can experience grief anytime our life changes in a way that is unwelcome and out of our control. 

​There is no easy way through grief, but here are a few examples of ways in which we can help ourselves along the grief journey:  

1. Ask for what you need.

Now is not the time to be strong for everyone else: you are grieving. If the people around you are offering to help in different ways, take them up on their offer. Don’t be a grief hero, and allow yourself to lean on the people around you that you love and trust. 

2. Bring it back to basics.

​When I say basic, I mean really basic. For instance, focus on your breath – long, deep breaths, in order for oxygen to circulate throughout your system to help regulate your emotional state. Also, don’t forget to eat. It’s not uncommon to lose your appetite under extreme stress, but so important to continue to fuel your body. Focus on nutrition-packed meals in order to make the most of what you can take in. Further, If you can, sleep. Being in a heightened emotional state is exhausting. Listen to your body; if you need to nap, take that nap. 

3. Don’t give yourself a timeline.

Society tells us that we should be put back together after losing someone/something within a reasonable period of time. This is a myth. Grief Waves may hit you at different rates and strengths for the rest of your life, which is normal and to be expected. You may find that you are coping well for a period of time, and then out of nowhere, *BOOM*, another Grief Wave hits. There is no timeline to grief, so don’t place expectations on yourself that cannot be met. 

4. Stop listening to
​others' well-intended
​but unhelpful comments and advice.

People get awkward about grief. It’s not uncommon that someone wants to express their condolences, but doesn’t know what to say. What ends up happening is that what is expressed is the opposite of comforting. Examples of this would be, “I know how you feel”. Wrong. No one can ever know how another person is feeling. Another example would be, “you’re being so strong”. This lacks empathy, and also may be reinforcing those unrealistic expectations that the person has on themselves. Just because someone presents as composed, does NOT mean they are not hurting and struggling on the inside.

5. Talk about it.

Grief can sometimes feel like a taboo topic to discuss; it can make people uncomfortable. However, it is essential to discuss in order to process our grief; we need to talk about it with the right people. Not only can it be therapeutic to talk about it, but it can also be seen as a way of honoring the loss.   

​Overall, it’s important to understand that the emotion and experience of grief is unavoidable when we are faced with a significant loss. Through it all, take care of yourself, and show yourself the same kindness and compassion that you would show a grieving loved one. If you are needing extra support, grief counselling can be helpful, and is available here at Kelly Mental Health.