How to Support a Partner Who is a Survivor of Sexual Abuse

By Marianne Wylie, MSW, RSW

​Learning that your partner has experienced sexual abuse can be devastating. No one wants anyone they care about to be harmed. You might be feeling sadness for your partner, anger at their abuser, confused about what to do, or anything in between.
 
If you’re in this situation and you want to support your partner, here are some things you can do to help: 

​

• Educate yourself – Take time to learn about the impact of sexual abuse - types, myths, and how it can affect someone. It is common for survivors to experience sleep issues, anxiety and depression, flashbacks and nightmares, difficulty trusting, and feelings of abandonment or isolation. People can experience these for years after the abuse. Learning helps you understand and respond appropriately to what your partner is experiencing.
  
  
• Listen intently – Listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Often survivors have had their thoughts and feelings diminished or completely ignored. Take the time to show your partner that you genuinely care about what they think and feel about a situation. Put any distractions aside and listen to the story of the abuse if your partner chooses to share it. Validate your partner by expressing an understanding of their thoughts and feelings.
  
  
• If your partner does share what happened – Let your partner know that you believe them and that it was not their fault. Unfortunately, it is all too common that people are not believed when they disclose abuse. Some people will express a belief that the survivor is at fault in some way (e.g., what were you wearing? Why did you go to that area of town?). Remind your partner that no matter what happened before or during the incidents, that there is never an excuse for the sexual abuse.
  
  
• Don’t take it personally – There are many valid reasons for why your partner chooses not to share their story of the abuse. Talking about it can be hard and can bring up some very difficult emotions that are hard to cope with. Don’t take it personally if your relationship is safe and you are gentle with partner and your partner still becomes triggered during sex or other interactions. If you are wondering if you have contributed to a trigger or a reason partner has not shared, ask them. Encourage your partner to tell you what they need from you in the relationship to help reduce triggers.
  
  
• Ask for consent – Ask permission to be intimate or talk about the abuse. Asking for your partner’s consent tells your partner that they are in control of their body and desires.
  
  
• Share your feelings – Let your partner know how you feel about the abuse and how you feel about them now that you know. Fears of being judged negatively can amplify anxiety and cause vulnerable people to isolate themselves. Allow your feelings of love and compassion for your partner guide you.

​

• Bring Safety to the Relationship – Be sure that your actions and words send your partner the message that your partner can trust you and is safe with you. It is normal for someone who has experienced sexual abuse to feel unsafe often but especially in an intimate partner relationship.
  
  
• Be Patient and Take Things Slow – When someone experiences sexual abuse, they did not have a choice. Talk to your partner about the speed of your relationship and their comfort level around it. Take the relationship slowly to allow time for trust and safety in the relationship to build.
  
  
• Non-sexual intimacy – Sometimes survivors can feel like sex is a must and can be the only way to feel close to a partner even if they don’t want it. Allow for and explore non-sexual intimate ways of being together (cuddling, hugs, holding hands, etc.). This allows both of you to feel connected and cared for by each other without sexual relations.
  
  
• Seek support – Hearing what has happened to your partner can trigger difficult emotions for you and that is normal. Don’t feel like you have to hold those in. Seek out your support network.

In Ontario, May is recognized as Sexual Assault Awareness Month to bring attention to the devastating impact sexual assault has on survivors. It is also a time to discuss how to prevent this violence from happening and how we can better support survivors. There is still a long way to go to end the stigma of being a sexual assault survivor and to help survivors have easy access to much needed services such as counselling, proper medical attention, and legal support. You can help raise awareness by wearing purple and having these conversations about how to support survivors and stop the violence.