I am not an a$$, I am anxious!

By Kristen Sohlman, HBA, MACP (Candidate), RP

​“I realize that sometimes I may come off as angry, aloof, quiet, unapproachable and difficult to talk to, but there is more to me than what others may realize. I have anxiety!” 

Having anxiety means that one may come off as a bad friend, a coworker that doesn’t care, or even somewhat antisocial to others, but this is hardly the case. The actuality is that people who are struggling to cope with their anxiety care and they care a lot! Fear is a big component of anxiety and keeps those that struggle with it from having meaningful conversations with others, from texting friends whom they really want to spend time with, and fear that they may be a nuisance if they build up the nerve to pick up the phone or to actually have that conversation.  People who are struggling to cope with their anxiety are overwhelmed, may feel like crying, and may even get angry if the thought of breaking down crying in front of others would be just too embarrassing. Anxiety is the reason why they may not make good eye contact, that they may be quiet in groups of people, and it is not because they are distracted, don’t care, or are quietly judging others.

People with anxiety are not just quiet! While they may present as quiet on the outside at times, there is often an internal turmoil boiling over inside.  Inside they may be struggling with trying to minimize the symptoms of their anxiety that others might see on the outside, they may be trying not bring attention to themselves, they may be going over and over again in their mind trying to figure out what is next or how to say what they really want to say out loud.  People with anxiety are not a$$holes, they are people who want to be accepted and liked by others, like anyone else!

​How to support someone with anxiety:

• Try not to judge too quickly.  When someone is angry, quiet, and seems unapproachable understand that there is likely more happening than what meets the eye.
• Slow down and give others the time and space to think about what is being discussed, to process it, to process their feelings, to prepare to respond, and then respond.  Yes, there is a lot of cognitive work that happens in a conversation!  Moving too quickly may mean that the anxious person does not get a chance to share what they would like to or how they are actually feeling.
• Remember that coping with an anxiety disorder does not mean that the person is broken, inferior, or deficient. 
• Use your own active listening skills. 
• Be patient.
• Remember that anxiety is not something that someone can just get over, snap out of, or be rid of immediately.  By showing your support, you can help!
• Stay calm!  Moods are contagious and if you are able to maintain your cool this can help. 
• Empathize, don’t patronize.  Try to be supportive and as loving as you can. 
• Celebrate successes together!
• Encourage and support any help with anxiety, whether that is from you or from a more formal support like a counsellor or therapist. kellymentalhealth.janeapp.com/
• Offer hope.
• Education yourself and learn more about anxiety.

 
References:
Folk, J., & Folk, M. (2018). 15 ways you can help someone with anxiety disorder. Anxietycentre.com. [Web page] Retrieved from https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tips/15-ways-to-help-someone-with-anxiety-disorder.shtml