Making Room for Pain

Creating space for pain in your life without attempts at avoidance or judgment will ease your suffering.

𝒷𝓎​ Lara Hollway, MSW, RSW

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I have spent a great deal of time in my life trying to avoid pain. To numb it, drown it out, or make it go away. And I know I’m not the only one, as in almost every counselling session clients say the same thing to me: that they are tired of feeling pain. They want the pain to go away. And sometimes the only tools they have to make the pain go away (e.g., drinking, hurting themselves, and/or otherwise numbing themselves, etc.) are actually making the pain worse in the long run. They come into session hoping that I have another way for them to cope; they are hoping that I can offer a way that can make the pain go away right now, while also not making it worse tomorrow or a month from now.
 
Maybe you are wondering the same thing - is there a way to make this pain go away right now without making it worse later? Well, there is… and there isn’t. It is definitely possible to reduce and even eliminate the majority of the suffering that you are currently experiencing. It is absolutely impossible to live a pain-free life.
 
Pain - whether it is emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental - is the sensation of hurt. Pain is your brain telling you “Something has happened. Something might be wrong”. This is a very important message to receive: as living beings we need to know when things have the potential to hurt us. We need to know when we’ve been injured, or when we are in an experience or an environment that is harmful to us.
 
Sometimes it is clear that the pain we are experiencing is fine and will pass, like the burn of muscles while exercising, the pain of feeling fear before doing something outside of our comfort zone, the quick “ouch!” of coffee being too hot to sip. For the majority of people, these are experiences of pain without suffering - the experience of our brain sending the stimulus “something has happened, something might be wrong”, and our response of “yep, this is a painful moment, and I will be fine.”
 
Suffering, however, is when we experience pain and WE DO NOT WANT TO FEEL IT. It’s when we do everything in our power to try to turn the sensation of pain off, or when we anticipate pain (thinking that something in the future might be painful) and do everything possible to avoid that potentially painful future experience. Suffering is also when we remember pain that we felt in the past, and react to it again, even if in this moment we are no longer experiencing the thing that brought us such pain. If pain is the message, suffering is our interpretation and reaction to the message. Suffering is the story of anger, avoidance, shame and/or frustration that we attach to the message of pain.
 
The thing about pain is, if you’re experiencing it, it’s already happened. The stimulus or message has already been sent, and now the only thing to do is to decide how you are going to receive and react to it. What would it feel like to stop and acknowledge that message of pain? To say: “This is painful. This moment right now. Something has happened and I am experiencing pain.” Notice what comes up for you. Does your brain want to add a story about whether the pain is good or bad? About whether you are good or bad for experiencing this pain? Does acknowledging the pain make it feel bigger or smaller? What do you need to do about this experience of pain? Wait it out? Take action? Ask for help?
 
Sometimes by getting curious about pain, we can recognize it for the temporary sensation that it is and let it be. Sometimes our curiosity can lead us to realize that something is happening that needs attention, and that action needs to be taken. And sometimes, the pain message is so loud and overwhelming that it can feel like too much. If asking yourself what you need to do about your current experience of pain caused you to feel panic or overwhelm, or led to feelings of wanting to avoid or turn off, that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you, you simply need more support in this moment of pain than you can offer yourself right now. I would recommend seeking out external supports, such as a counsellor, to help you in acknowledging and healing in this experience of pain.
 
Working with pain is incredibly difficult, taking immense time and effort. I sincerely believe that the effort is worth it. Creating space for pain in your life without attempts at avoidance or judgment will ease your suffering. And the space opened up by not attempting to avoid or numb pain leaves room for other emotions and experiences that make life worth living, such as feelings of contentedness, curiosity, and hope. 

If you are interested in reading further about accepting and working with pain in the moment, here are some books I enjoyed and found helpful:

• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, Ph.D
• The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris
• Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn