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This is Burnout

9/3/2019

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"I don’t want to burden people with how I am feeling. After all, it’s just burnout, right? It’ll get better. I just need time to do nothing, time to recharge. But that day seems so far away."
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𝒷𝓎 Kelly Graham, MSW, RSW

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As I write this, I feel the heaviness in my eyes, wanting to shut and sleep. I feel the yearning of wanting the day to be over and the week. I have no desire to do anything. I feel my sense of caring slowly fading.
 
I’m tired all of the time; fighting my way through each day just waiting for the weekend when I can sleep. My once steady morning workout routine has now been replaced with extra sleep. I know exercise will help energize me, but it’s just too hard to wake up. I’m too tired to get out of bed. My body feels heavy. It’s a battle to tell myself to get up.
 
When I am up, I’m moving slower. I have no sense of urgency to get ready. I feel very flat. I drive to work and wonder what the day is going to throw at me. I have no energy for responsibilities. I would love to take a week vacation and relax somewhere. Sadly, my bank account and bills won’t let me. So, I go to work and countdown the days until the weekend. Don’t get me wrong; I love my job. But sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Some days go by fast, and others seem to drag on. Some days feel so busy that I don’t have time to pee.
 
By the time I get home, I am exhausted and don’t want to do anything. So, the housework piles up. I feel guilty the house is a mess. I feel guilty, relying on my partner to take on extra responsibilities that I have no energy to do. I eat junk because I am too tired to cook. Well, here comes the weight gain. Then my self-esteem begins to lower. I feel angry that I can’t just work out, eat healthy and look the way I want. I feel bad for my partner because I feel like I’m less attractive. He tells me I’m beautiful, but it’s hard to believe him when I can’t see it myself.
 
I have no f@#ks left to give. Yet people keep coming to me. They need my help, they need me to be there for them, and I want to. But my mind and body say otherwise. I try and fake my way through it as much as I can. I don’t want to burden people with how I am feeling. After all, it’s just burnout, right? It’ll get better. I just need time to do nothing, time to recharge. But that day seems so far away. Every time I try, something comes up. I have to be with family, be a step-mom, be a good employee, be a fiancé. I need to be there for everybody else.
 
I’m crying more than usual. One more thing adds to my plate, and it makes me feel completely overwhelmed. I cry to try and release my feelings. It helps…for a bit. I have no energy or motivation to take on any more. I’m at the end of my rope, but life demands more and more of me. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to be a bad employee, friend, fiancé, step-mom. But it’s so hard to keep trying and trying. So, I keep juggling everything, hoping that nothing falls.
 
Soon I’ll get time for me...soon. I say this every night, every time something else gets added to my plate. Then I go to bed and do it all again the next day.
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    Disclaimer: Kelly Magazine, along with all articles and blog posts, is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide personal support as an alternative to psychotherapy services. Please note that replies are viewable by the public, and we may take a few days to respond. If you require immediate assistance, please call Kelly Mental Health during business hours. 
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