This is Burnout

"I don’t want to burden people with how I am feeling. After all, it’s just burnout, right? It’ll get better. I just need time to do nothing, time to recharge. But that day seems so far away."

𝒷𝓎 Kelly Graham, MSW, RSW

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As I write this, I feel the heaviness in my eyes, wanting to shut and sleep. I feel the yearning of wanting the day to be over and the week. I have no desire to do anything. I feel my sense of caring slowly fading.
 
I’m tired all of the time; fighting my way through each day just waiting for the weekend when I can sleep. My once steady morning workout routine has now been replaced with extra sleep. I know exercise will help energize me, but it’s just too hard to wake up. I’m too tired to get out of bed. My body feels heavy. It’s a battle to tell myself to get up.
 
When I am up, I’m moving slower. I have no sense of urgency to get ready. I feel very flat. I drive to work and wonder what the day is going to throw at me. I have no energy for responsibilities. I would love to take a week vacation and relax somewhere. Sadly, my bank account and bills won’t let me. So, I go to work and countdown the days until the weekend. Don’t get me wrong; I love my job. But sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Some days go by fast, and others seem to drag on. Some days feel so busy that I don’t have time to pee.
 
By the time I get home, I am exhausted and don’t want to do anything. So, the housework piles up. I feel guilty the house is a mess. I feel guilty, relying on my partner to take on extra responsibilities that I have no energy to do. I eat junk because I am too tired to cook. Well, here comes the weight gain. Then my self-esteem begins to lower. I feel angry that I can’t just work out, eat healthy and look the way I want. I feel bad for my partner because I feel like I’m less attractive. He tells me I’m beautiful, but it’s hard to believe him when I can’t see it myself.
 
I have no f@#ks left to give. Yet people keep coming to me. They need my help, they need me to be there for them, and I want to. But my mind and body say otherwise. I try and fake my way through it as much as I can. I don’t want to burden people with how I am feeling. After all, it’s just burnout, right? It’ll get better. I just need time to do nothing, time to recharge. But that day seems so far away. Every time I try, something comes up. I have to be with family, be a step-mom, be a good employee, be a fiancé. I need to be there for everybody else.
 
I’m crying more than usual. One more thing adds to my plate, and it makes me feel completely overwhelmed. I cry to try and release my feelings. It helps…for a bit. I have no energy or motivation to take on any more. I’m at the end of my rope, but life demands more and more of me. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to be a bad employee, friend, fiancé, step-mom. But it’s so hard to keep trying and trying. So, I keep juggling everything, hoping that nothing falls.
 
Soon I’ll get time for me...soon. I say this every night, every time something else gets added to my plate. Then I go to bed and do it all again the next day.