When Jealousy Hurts

You have a right to feel what you feel. You have a right to be loved, respected, and feel in control of your own life. Your partner does too.

𝒷𝓎 Marianne Wylie, MSW, RSW

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Like all emotions, jealousy sends us a message about how we are reacting to our environment. Yes, it is okay to feel jealous. Jealousy happens when we believe that an important relationship is in danger of being damaged or lost. Sometimes overwhelming feelings of jealousy can lead to unhealthy behaviours that risk the health of the relationship.
 
To clarify...envy occurs when you want what someone else has. Jealousy happens when you’re afraid of losing what you have.

​While jealousy is normal and acceptable, it can influence behaviours that damage the health of the relationship.

​Common issues related to jealousy are:

• Urgent need to change your partner’s behaviours
• Threatening to break up if your partner’s behaviours do not change
• Invading partner’s personal property (e.g., wallet, phone, social media accounts)
• Isolating your partner
• Feeling like you and your partner must spend all your spare time together

 
If you can relate to this, you are not alone. That’s right, you are not alone!
 
However, controlling your partner will not take away the underlying reasons for how you are feeling. You can shift the relationship towards a healthier place by finding ways to build trust, allowing for a healthy amount of time together and apart from each other, supporting your partner’s goals in life, and accepting responsibility for your own feelings.
 
It can also be helpful to ask yourself: Do you find that this is a common theme in your intimate relationships? What do you fear would happen if you didn’t use the jealousy behaviours? If that fear came true, what would that mean? Is your fear completely realistic? Do you feel safe in the strength of the relationship?
 
You have a right to feel what you feel. You have a right to be loved, respected, and feel in control of your own life. Your partner does too. We can change how we feel, how we look at a problem, and how we respond to a problem, but we cannot change someone else.