Why Can't You Be Happy for Me?: How to deal with a narcissistic family member

While it may be impossible to try and change them, there are things you can do to help yourself when dealing with them.

𝒷𝓎 Kelly Graham, MSW, RSW

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Some of us may have that one person in our family that no matter what happens, or what the occasion is, they need to be the center of attention. This can cause feelings of anger, disappointment, or resentment when they are trying to take the attention or credit for something good that’s happening to you. So, what can be done to let go of these negative feelings without causing conflict?

​​Sometimes family members that fall into this category have narcissistic tendencies. Often we hear the word narcissist, and while we may have a general idea of what it means, there are a variety of traits that we sometimes forget. While I am not giving you this information to diagnose a family member (they would not like that, and there are more criteria that need to be met), here are some signs of narcissistic behaviour:

• They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
• They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• Believe that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
• Require excessive admiration.
• Have a sense of entitlement.
• They are interpersonally exploitative (for example, they take advantage of others to achieve their goals).
• Lack of empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings or needs of others).
• Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.

From: American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association.
 
If you have a family member that regularly demonstrates a variety of these traits, you know how frustrating it can be. Instead of being happy or proud of you, they focus only on how this event affects them. Say you’re getting married and all that person can think and talk about is what they’re going to wear, having all of their ideas incorporated into the wedding, or how an outdoor ceremony will ruin their hair. Or if you’re graduating and they boast about everything they did to get you there. Even just dismissing the excitement of you getting a new job because it doesn’t pertain to them, and changing conversation topics to their life. Instead of feeling excited, validated, or accepted, you’re left feeling like what you did is their accomplishment, or like they don’t care about you or your life.
 
So, what can you do? While you can try explaining your feelings to them and hope that they change, people who have these traits ingrained in them for a long time will often not change easily, if at all. They may feel like you are attacking them, no matter how you bring up the conversation, which will cause them to become defensive. It is often difficult for a narcissist to see anybody else’s point of view, which leads them to believe they are always right. While it may be impossible to try and change them, there are things you can do to help yourself when dealing with them.

1. Allow Yourself to See Reality. While they are a family member and you may feel guilty thinking about them in a negative light, sometimes that has to happen. Don’t try to minimize or deny their behaviour and hurt they have caused. This won’t help anything. Look honestly at the way they treat you and treat other people.
2. Re-evaluate Your Needs from Them. While this can be especially difficult if dealing with a parent, you may need to readjust your needs from them. Know that your needs may not be met or even recognized. When it comes to approval, know that this will be very difficult to attain, but know that this has nothing to do with you.
3. Don’t Let Them Define Who You Are. These people can have a way of making you feel bad about yourself and any of your accomplishments. However, you cannot let their negativity affect who you are. Be assertive and stand up for yourself. Use positive self-talk when they get in your head, or you’re around them. Know that they are not a reliable source of reality, as they tend to live in their own world. Remind yourself that what they may say or how they may make you feel, reflects on them and not on who you are.
4. You Only Have Control Over Yourself. As much as we wish we could change them or what they’re doing, we can’t. We only have control over our thoughts and behaviours. So, for things to change, we need to do the work. Have healthy boundaries and know that you can say no. Don’t feed into the drama they try to create. Refusing to play their game may make them upset, but it can help you set boundaries and find the calm you need.
5. Don’t Take it Personally. Whatever they say, it is not about you. After all, they believe it is all about them. Often people with these tendencies use projection to shift blame from themselves to others. This way they can still be right while somebody else takes responsibility.

 
While they are still family and you may always love them, that does not mean that you have to put up with their behaviour or let it ruin your excitement. Focus on those around you who are happy for you. Try to limit your exposure to people with these behaviours when you want to celebrate an accomplishment, or just be happy with whatever may be happening in your life. Know that your happiness is deserved, and try not to let what someone says or how they act, take that away from you.