Why Do Abusers Deny or Minimize the Abuse?

"Did he actually not think what he did was wrong? Or does he just not want to get caught?"

By Kelly Graham, MSW, RSW

​Often when confronted with allegations of abuse, the accused denies that the abuse ever happened, or downplays the severity of their actions. This can often make the survivors of abuse feel angry, confused, and hopeless. Unless there is physical proof, often it comes down to one person’s word against the other’s. But why do they deny the abuse? Well, there are a few different possibilities. However, no matter why they are denying or minimizing the abuse, this DOES NOT excuse their behaviour.

​The most obvious possibility is that they do not want to be held accountable for their actions. They don’t want to face criminal charges or be arrested. By denying the abuse, it can make it harder for them to be held accountable. People sometimes lie to try and save themselves from having to endure the consequences of what they have created. However, when someone abuses others, their perception of right and wrong is already skewed, so lying about it is not too far of a stretch for them. Abusers will also try and keep survivors quiet. They do this by threatening them, continuing to abuse them, and convincing others around them that the survivor is crazy. They may also attack the survivor’s credibility so that they will be believed over them. A common tactic that abusers use is playing the role of the victim. This way people will feel sympathy for them, and hold the survivor accountable for the abuse that occurred. Some even manipulate the survivor into believing that they are responsible for the abuse and that they mistreated the abuser. While it can be hard to fight this manipulation, it is important to remember that they are at fault for the abuse, not you.
 
Another possibility is that unfortunately, some people believe that abuse is acceptable. This can be hard to change because providing education is not always enough to change people’s beliefs, especially if they have held this belief for a long time. There may be a variety of reasons why the abuser may think abuse is acceptable, such as growing up seeing abuse or being abused, or being taught that it is acceptable. However, this does not excuse the abuse.
 
Abusers will sometimes claim that they do not remember the abuse. One disturbing theory is that some people engage in these actions so often, that they may not remember specific incidents. To them, abuse is just routine and has happened multiple times. The abuser may also be telling the truth when they say they do not remember the abuse. Research has shown that emotions associated with some events can alter your memories. Therefore, if the abuser feels so much shame or guilt over what they did, their memories may be shaped to protect their view of themselves. These memories can be altered to let them believe that the abuse did not happen, or in the case of sexual abuse, that it was consensual. A similar thing happens to survivors — the traumatic impact of the abuse blocks these traumatizing memories out the mind. It is the brain’s way of trying to protect itself. However, this is far more likely to happen to survivors of abuse rather than the abuser’s themselves.
 
Lastly, the abuser may believe that they are a good person, and therefore believe that they do not abuse people. Some people look at abuse as being only physical or sexual. This is not the case. There are a variety of different types of abuse, such as verbal/emotional, mental/psychological, financial, and even digital. So, when people are only using these forms of abuse, they may not realize that they are being abusive. This conflict between their belief and actions makes them deny or minimize the abuse to try and convince themselves, and others, that they are still a good person. When it comes to sexual assault, often they will say that the acts were consensual and that there was just a misunderstanding. One study found that perpetrators of sexual abuse were more likely to admit to situations of non-consensual sex or aggressive sexual situations, but do not call it rape or believe what they did was a crime. There is a disconnect between their actions and what they believe they did. One reason for this disconnect is they are consciously or unconsciously trying to rationalize their behaviour so they can still hold the belief that they are a good person. 
 
You may wonder why I am writing about this; why is this something we need to know? I am not trying to protect or help perpetrators of abuse. I found that knowing these reasons actually helped with my own healing after being sexually abused. Through all of the pain I went through, I never understood why he blatantly denied what he had done to me. It made me angry that he could not admit what he did. It made me even question my sanity and if the abuse happened. After sitting through a Criminal Injuries Compensation Board hearing, and listening to my abuser repeatedly deny what he did to me, it made me beyond angry. Did he actually not think what he did was wrong? Or does he just not want to get caught? At the end of the hearing, the adjudicator told me why he believes abusers deny the abuse. Though I don’t remember his exact words, it was a combination of the abuser not wanting to be held accountable and trying to hold onto the belief that they are a good person. This brought me comfort. I know he will never admit what he did to me, but getting a glimpse into why he denied everything actually helped me feel better. I hope this article can help you too.
 
Know that you aren’t crazy, that you aren’t alone, and that it is common for abusers to deny or minimize what they did to you. I want you to know that no matter why your abuser is doing this, the abuse DID happen, and it IS important. 

In Ontario, May is recognized as Sexual Assault Awareness Month to bring attention to the devastating impact sexual assault has on survivors. It is also a time to discuss how to prevent this violence from happening and how we can better support survivors. There is still a long way to go to end the stigma of being a sexual assault survivor and to help survivors have easy access to much needed services such as counselling, proper medical attention, and legal support. You can help raise awareness by wearing purple and having these conversations about how to support survivors and stop the violence.