Why Is It Hard for Some People to Know When They’ve Been Sexually Assaulted?

Many factors can lead you to question if you were sexually assaulted or not.

By Kelly Graham, MSW, RSW

​When determining if you’ve been sexually assaulted, most people believe they would know if it happened to them. Sadly, that is not always the case. This is especially true when sexual assault is perpetrated by somebody close to you; it can be difficult to understand what happened. There are many factors that lead people to believe what happened to them was normal or not assault. 

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1. Feeling Unsure of How to Think About the Experience. While you know something didn’t feel right, you may not be able to figure out why. Maybe you were just feeling off? Maybe you’re just reading into things? These thoughts create doubt when you believe that something bad happened. Especially if the assault was committed by a partner or close friend, it could be harder for you to realize what happened. You believe that those people would never hurt you. If they wouldn’t hurt you, then you must be blowing this out of proportion, right? Wrong. Just because you believe this, doesn’t mean your belief is right. If you feel like something is wrong, then it most likely is. Trust your gut.
2. The Perpetrator Denied the Assault. You may have trusted the perpetrator and asked them what they thought about the experience. You may have even told them your feelings after it. However, if they denied what happened being wrong in any way, and minimized your feelings, then this can make you begin to wonder if you are crazy. I mean, they were there too, wouldn’t they also know what happened? Not always. They may believe that what they did wasn’t wrong, or they may not want to admit what they did. When you’re already confused, having somebody deny or minimize your feelings and thoughts, can make you question things even further.
3. The Assault Happened Repeatedly or Gradually Over Time. Sometimes sexual assault happens gradually. The person slowly and persistently pushes your boundaries each time. You may rationalize that because they pushed your boundaries and didn't fully cross them, that it's no big deal. Because this is happening gradually, it is harder for you to notice. It’s easier to justify or brush off when somebody pushes your boundaries, compared to them crossing them completely. For example, say you are making out with someone, and they slowly start to feel other areas of your body. While you aren’t comfortable with this, the person isn’t trying to go any further, so you brush it off thinking “it won’t happen next time” or “maybe I should be okay with this.” Slowly, this boundary can be pushed until you are having sex. However, if the person jumped from making out to trying to have sex, it may be more noticeable that your boundary was crossed. When somebody is repeatedly sexually assaulting you (any physical touching you do not consent to, not just sexual intercourse), it may also be harder to notice because it never has (or has rarely been) consensual, and you believe that’s just how the person or relationship is.
4. The Abuse Was Masked by Sex Role Expectations. Society perpetuates the stereotype that women are sexually passive while men are sexually aggressive. While this isn’t always the case, women may not believe they were sexually assaulted, because “men are supposed to be sexually aggressive.” This leads women to brushing off sexual assault as “men being men.”
5. Your Body Responded. Your genitals may have responded to being touched, leading you to believe you must have wanted it. While your body may have responded, that does not mean you wanted it. Sexual organs do not have a brain. When they are stimulated, they respond how they are supposed to (lubrication, erections, orgasms, etc.). They cannot differentiate between wanted and unwanted touch. So even if you had an orgasm or your body responded, that does not mean that you wanted it.
6. You Didn’t Resist. Many people believe that because they didn’t resist, that they must have wanted it. Once again, this is not true. When we feel threatened, this triggers the fight-flight-or-freeze response. We do not get to consciously choose whether we fight, flight, or freeze. In many sexually assault cases, the body chooses to freeze. Whether caused by confusion because you trusted the person, or the person is bigger and stronger which makes the chances of successfully fighting or running away less likely, freezing is how the body responded in order to survive. An important question to ask is “did you actively and willingly consent to the activity?” If the answer is no, then the activity was not consensual. You freezing does not equal consent.

 
Many factors can lead you to question if you were sexually assaulted or not. It is important to examine the situation. If you are questioning the situation because something didn’t feel right, look at the reasons above and see if any resonate with your experience. It is important to trust your gut and talk about your experience with someone you trust, so you can gain clarity on what happened.  

In Ontario, May is recognized as Sexual Assault Awareness Month to bring attention to the devastating impact sexual assault has on survivors. It is also a time to discuss how to prevent this violence from happening and how we can better support survivors. There is still a long way to go to end the stigma of being a sexual assault survivor and to help survivors have easy access to much needed services such as counselling, proper medical attention, and legal support. You can help raise awareness by wearing purple and having these conversations about how to support survivors and stop the violence.